Rules for Confident Parenting
Basic Rules
* You, the parent/ adult, must be in charge (not the child)
* Every child has a right to feel their feelings and needs help to learn to manage these
feelings appropriately, rather than acting them out by screaming or being endulged.
* It is not the parent’s job to make the child happy. It’s the parent’s job to enable to
child to make him/herself happy and to support the child’s efforts in this.
Be Pro-active! Make sure that
* child does as much her/himself as s/he possibly can, don’t do for her/him what s/he
can do her/himself, e.g. dressing, getting/ eating food, tidy up, hang up coat
* you spend time every day playing with your child (at least 30 minutes), e.g. turn
taking, action songs, looking at books together
* child has daily physical exercise and fresh air to feed his brain and burn off energy,
e.g. playground, swimming, running/ skipping around block of flats, small trampoline +
provide warm clothes when cold, wellies/ raincoat when raining, so he can go out
safely
Positive Communication
* Stay calm, be patient and don’t shout (i.e. speak slowly, give clear instructions)
* Tell him what to do, not what not to do: make sure child knows what is expected of
him/her and in which order to do it: ‘First this, then that’
* Reward good behaviour e.g. praise, a warm and appreciative look or hug, a reward
Safe and Clear Boundaries
* Hurting someone (self or other) or damaging the environment is never ok, as it makes
the child feel unsafe, frightened and insecure.
* Aim for Prevention whenever possible: Don’t wait for child ‘not to do it’, or expect him
to change his behaviour first - but remove things that he may throw/ bite/ pull
* It is the Adult’s Responsibility to protect child/ themselves/ other people/ environment
from being hurt or damaged. (It can be helpful to think/say to child/yourself calmly:
‘I can see that you are angry/upset. But I cannot let you hurt me/ yourself/ others/
damage things. I will help you manage your feelings e.g. I will hold your hands, feet,
head, put the toys away... until you calm down.’)
Responding to Tantrums/ Inappropriate/ Challenging behaviours
* Be Boring: avoid exciting responses, ignore it, i.e. don’t shout when he has thrown
something, but silently and boringly give him something else to do
* Be Consistent (behaviour gets worse if you sometimes shout, sometimes ignore,
sometimes give something nice to eat)
* Never undermine another adult who is dealing with the child and a difficult behaviour
(discuss different views afterwards and not in front of the child)
Create a Supportive Environment
* Storage and Structure: provide storage boxes, drawers, shelves,... so child knows
where things are and where to tidy them up
* encourage Purposeful Activity to ensure s/he is not bored and knows what to do next,
i.e. give him things to do, involve him in everyday tasks (e.g. put away shopping,
cooking),
* provide sufficient Toys and Play Activities for all areas of development: fine-motor,
perception, language, memory, imaginative play, singing, cognitive, gross-motor
* Avoid machines/ battery-operated/ electrical/ other ‘Lazy’ Toys, i.e. limit TV, videos,
computer to no more than 1 hour a day (e.g. by using wall chart, clock, egg timer)
Observe and Think about the underlying reasons/triggers for the inappropriate behaviour:
behaviour: what happens? (describe what actually happens, not what you think happens) time: when does it happen?
people: who is present? Who does it happen with or to? How do others respond?
place: where does it happen?
situation: what is/was going on at the time and just before? Who or what triggers it?
manner: how does s/he do it? What feelings can you identify in child and in yourself?
Possible reasons:
* changes in child’s daily routine/ habitual activities
* confusion or fear because of unexpected changes
* child cannot understand what adults say (explanations, instructions, reassurance),
* child cannot communicate what he wants/needs/feels
* child do not like being forced to do something that is too difficult, goes on for too
long, is boring.
Email: info@reachingautism.org
Basic Rules
* You, the parent/ adult, must be in charge (not the child)
* Every child has a right to feel their feelings and needs help to learn to manage these
feelings appropriately, rather than acting them out by screaming or being endulged.
* It is not the parent’s job to make the child happy. It’s the parent’s job to enable to
child to make him/herself happy and to support the child’s efforts in this.
Be Pro-active! Make sure that
* child does as much her/himself as s/he possibly can, don’t do for her/him what s/he
can do her/himself, e.g. dressing, getting/ eating food, tidy up, hang up coat
* you spend time every day playing with your child (at least 30 minutes), e.g. turn
taking, action songs, looking at books together
* child has daily physical exercise and fresh air to feed his brain and burn off energy,
e.g. playground, swimming, running/ skipping around block of flats, small trampoline +
provide warm clothes when cold, wellies/ raincoat when raining, so he can go out
safely
Positive Communication
* Stay calm, be patient and don’t shout (i.e. speak slowly, give clear instructions)
* Tell him what to do, not what not to do: make sure child knows what is expected of
him/her and in which order to do it: ‘First this, then that’
* Reward good behaviour e.g. praise, a warm and appreciative look or hug, a reward
Safe and Clear Boundaries
* Hurting someone (self or other) or damaging the environment is never ok, as it makes
the child feel unsafe, frightened and insecure.
* Aim for Prevention whenever possible: Don’t wait for child ‘not to do it’, or expect him
to change his behaviour first - but remove things that he may throw/ bite/ pull
* It is the Adult’s Responsibility to protect child/ themselves/ other people/ environment
from being hurt or damaged. (It can be helpful to think/say to child/yourself calmly:
‘I can see that you are angry/upset. But I cannot let you hurt me/ yourself/ others/
damage things. I will help you manage your feelings e.g. I will hold your hands, feet,
head, put the toys away... until you calm down.’)
Responding to Tantrums/ Inappropriate/ Challenging behaviours
* Be Boring: avoid exciting responses, ignore it, i.e. don’t shout when he has thrown
something, but silently and boringly give him something else to do
* Be Consistent (behaviour gets worse if you sometimes shout, sometimes ignore,
sometimes give something nice to eat)
* Never undermine another adult who is dealing with the child and a difficult behaviour
(discuss different views afterwards and not in front of the child)
Create a Supportive Environment
* Storage and Structure: provide storage boxes, drawers, shelves,... so child knows
where things are and where to tidy them up
* encourage Purposeful Activity to ensure s/he is not bored and knows what to do next,
i.e. give him things to do, involve him in everyday tasks (e.g. put away shopping,
cooking),
* provide sufficient Toys and Play Activities for all areas of development: fine-motor,
perception, language, memory, imaginative play, singing, cognitive, gross-motor
* Avoid machines/ battery-operated/ electrical/ other ‘Lazy’ Toys, i.e. limit TV, videos,
computer to no more than 1 hour a day (e.g. by using wall chart, clock, egg timer)
Observe and Think about the underlying reasons/triggers for the inappropriate behaviour:
behaviour: what happens? (describe what actually happens, not what you think happens) time: when does it happen?
people: who is present? Who does it happen with or to? How do others respond?
place: where does it happen?
situation: what is/was going on at the time and just before? Who or what triggers it?
manner: how does s/he do it? What feelings can you identify in child and in yourself?
Possible reasons:
* changes in child’s daily routine/ habitual activities
* confusion or fear because of unexpected changes
* child cannot understand what adults say (explanations, instructions, reassurance),
* child cannot communicate what he wants/needs/feels
* child do not like being forced to do something that is too difficult, goes on for too
long, is boring.
Email: info@reachingautism.org
